‘They are children': Woman reacts to video of Lauderhill double shooting that injured grandson

Even the happiest couples encounter conflict But what they fight about reveals a lot about what s missing in the relationship As a psychologist who studies couples I ve exposed that there are a scant similar topics that come up again and again And the first step to resolving the conflicts is to know what those topics are According to a YouGov poll of American adults and based on my research here are the greater part common reasons couples fight and the psychology behind each one Tone of voice or attitude A sour tone or attitude a slightly raised voice a sarcastic comment an eye-roll mid-conversation is by far the bulk common reason couples fight To the person exhibiting it it might not seem like a big deal But to the partner on the receiving end it hits a direct nerve because it signals contempt In marital research contempt is one of the the bulk reliable predictors of divorce Unlike overt criticism or stonewalling shutting down emotionally contempt disguises itself with non-verbal gestures and body language How to move past it Resist the impulse to strike back Fighting fire with fire never works so try naming the effect instead That felt condescending Can we try again This gives your partner the chance to course-correct and it doesn t instantly escalate things If you re the one delivering the tone check in with yourself before saying anything more Are you feeling unheard Frustrated Overwhelmed Pinpointing what s fueling the contempt is the first step to expressing yourself without hurting the relationship Family relations Arguments about family relations often reflect fundamental misalignments and unmet requirements One partner might feel unsupported or sidelined especially if their spouse seems to default to defending their side of the family In situations involving children arguments usually boil down to value clashes where each partner feels like their core parenting beliefs are being dismissed Neither partner is right or wrong in these scenarios In fact they re more than likely seeking the exact same thing someone who s on their side How to move past it A good place to start is to reassure one another For example I love my family but you re still my partner How can we find a approach that meets both of our demands and values Then talk about your limits as a association what to do when a line is crossed or how to show solidarity in front of others even when you disagree privately Household chores People often assume that arguments about chores are about the chores themselves the dishes left in the sink the laundry piling up the trash that never gets taken out But if that were true these issues would be expeditiously fixed with a simple chore chart Rather the real issue is the uneven distribution of labor According to research one partner in a relationship usually shoulders the bulk of domestic work But they aren t just folding the clothes and cooking the meals they re also managing appointments coordinating the bills and keeping mental tabs on everyone s well-being but their own This invisible load goes largely unacknowledged and that lack of recognition is usually where the fighting begins How to move past it This dynamic can often be changed if the load is named out loud Even just saying I didn t realize how much you were holding thank you gives your partner the acknowledgement they ve been needing to hear From there work together to redistribute tasks in a way that feels sustainable Fairness won t look like a split every day but it should feel like something you both have a hand in Communication styles This is one of the trickiest arguments to confront In several cases by the time couples are arguing about how they talk to each other the original issue has already been lost in translation For example one partner is upset about an unfair distribution of chores or they re frustrated with how their in-laws treat them But when these concerns are brought up research shows they can fleetly go off the rails when the other engages with them ineffectively or with hostility If the conversation is met with defensiveness criticism or stonewalling the fight will shift its focus from the initial issue Instead it becomes a matter of how poorly the conversation is going How to move past it One simple strategy achieving couples use is the five second rule They have a designated word or phrase that signals We re spiraling let s take a time-out This gives a much-needed pause without the negative effects of storming out When you return to the conversation try to see eye-to-eye before continuing to air out your grievances I want to understand why you re upset and I want you to understand the same for me You share your side then I ll share mine Mark Travers PhD is a psychologist who specializes in relationships He holds degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder He is the lead psychologist at Awake Therapy a telehealth company that provides online psychotherapy counseling and coaching He is also the curator of the popular mental medical and wellness website Therapytips org Are you ready to buy a house Take Smarter by CNBC Make It s new online class How to Buy Your First Home Expert instructors will help you weigh the cost of renting vs buying financially prepare and confidently handle every step of the process from mortgage basics to closing the deal Sign up nowadays and use coupon code EARLYBIRD for an introductory discount of off taxes and fees through July Plus sign up for CNBC Make It s newsletter to get tips and tricks for success at work with money and in life and request to join our particular locality on LinkedIn to connect with experts and peers